During that first pregnancy, I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted. The day Mikey was born, I weighed 220 pounds. Yep. I gained 70 pounds that pregnancy. That would be the highest I ever was in my life, even to this day.I was so huge, and I am a little ashamed of myself in my pictures from in the hospital. It was like a whale laying in the bed, snuggling her new baby. I don't look "normal" when I am overweight. I don't carry weight well.
That year after Mikey was born, I spent more time walking and less time eating so much. I lost 60 pounds in a year, only to find out that I was pregnant again with our second son Nathan. I gained around 45 pounds with him, lost a few pounds after his birth but found myself pregnant AGAIN when he was 7 months old. During my pregnancy with Dylan, I gained about 35-40 pounds. Lost a little bit, moved to a new house, lost a little more and got down to 175 pounds. No sooner do I lose the weight and I had the pleasure of finding myself pregnant again. This all makes me laugh in a way, because my husband and I tried for kids for 6 years before we even had our first. Then they kept coming..
Needless to say, I had my tubes tied after Benjamin. I gained 30-35 pounds with him but I only lost about 15 pounds of pregnancy weight. I have been struggling on and off for the last 4 years between 188 pounds and 203 pounds. I usually stay at exactly 195.6 pounds. Which is where I am at now.
Tomorrow is Monday and I have all the food I need to be successful in this lifestyle change adventure. Fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats... Now I just need to drink more water. I have always had a problem with drinking enough. I also need to sleep more and definitely exercise. I have failed so much over the last 4 years that I am honestly afraid of failing again. But I just can't! It is so hard, because I obsess about bad foods when I am not eating them. I feel like I am depriving myself, even though I am not.
I also have a fear of sorts towards exercise. I have lived with anxiety/panic disorder, depression, mild OCD and paranoia my entire life. It is more controlled now, but I still fear I will exercise too much and have a heart attack. Irrational I know. But it is a serious fear. Though part of me knows if I keep remaining obese, I have an even greater chance of having heart issues.
So, I NEED to do something. I am tired of not being sexy, and dealing with health issues that might be cured with weight loss. I am tired of being uncomfortable in certain clothes. I am tired of being embarrassed of myself and having to do the whole "fat girl angle" in some of my pictures. I want to be healthy and happy, and call me crazy, but I want to be sexy! I want to be that woman that people look at and say "WOW she has lost a lot of weight and looks great!" I want to be admired and desired and I want to be an inspiration instead of feeling like a disappointment. So... here it goes. Wish me luck!
2009- I was 188 pounds
Problem area noticeable-My Gut! (I've had 4 c sections)
Summer of 2012-195.6 pounds