Sunday, October 21, 2012

My Weight Roller Coaster

I never really struggled with my weight till I got out of high school. When I started dating my husband I weighed 118 pounds. I had a nice body with curves in all the right places. Once I got out of school though, it was all up hill from there. I started gaining weight slowly over the years. I was eating like shit and I was getting lazier by the day. I got pregnant for our first son in 2003, and at that point in time I weighed 150. So, between the months after high school, which was in 1996, and 2003 I gained 32 pounds.

During that first pregnancy, I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted. The day Mikey was born, I weighed 220 pounds. Yep. I gained 70 pounds that pregnancy. That would be the highest I ever was in my life, even to this day.I was so huge, and I am a little ashamed of myself in my pictures from in the hospital. It was like a whale laying in the bed, snuggling her new baby. I don't look "normal" when I am overweight. I don't carry weight well.

That year after Mikey was born, I spent more time walking and less time eating so much. I lost 60 pounds in a year, only to find out that I was pregnant again with our second son Nathan. I gained around 45 pounds with him, lost a few pounds after his birth but found myself pregnant AGAIN when he was 7 months old. During my pregnancy with Dylan, I gained about 35-40 pounds. Lost a little bit, moved to a new house, lost a little more and got down to 175 pounds. No sooner do I lose the weight and I had the pleasure of finding myself pregnant again. This all makes me laugh in a way, because my husband and I tried for kids for 6 years before we even had our first. Then they kept coming..

Needless to say, I had my tubes tied after Benjamin. I  gained 30-35 pounds with him but I only lost about 15 pounds of pregnancy weight. I have been struggling on and off for the last 4 years between 188 pounds and 203 pounds. I usually stay at exactly 195.6 pounds. Which is where I am at now.

Tomorrow is Monday and I have all the food I need to be successful in this lifestyle change adventure. Fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats... Now I just need to drink more water. I have always had a problem with drinking enough. I also need to sleep more and definitely exercise. I have failed so much over the last 4 years that I am honestly afraid of failing again. But I just can't! It is so hard, because I obsess about bad foods when I am not eating them. I feel like I am depriving myself, even though I am not.

I also have a fear of sorts towards exercise. I have lived with anxiety/panic disorder, depression, mild OCD and paranoia my entire life. It is more controlled now, but I still fear I will exercise too much and have a heart attack. Irrational I know. But it is a serious fear. Though part of me knows if I keep remaining obese, I have an even greater chance of having heart issues.

So, I NEED to do something. I am tired of not being sexy, and dealing with health issues that might be cured with weight loss. I am tired of being uncomfortable in certain clothes. I am tired of being embarrassed of myself and having to do the whole "fat girl angle" in some of my pictures. I want to be healthy and happy, and call me crazy, but I want to be sexy! I want to be that woman that people look at and say "WOW she has lost a lot of weight and looks great!" I want to be admired and desired and I want to be an inspiration instead of feeling like a disappointment. So... here it goes. Wish me luck!

                                                      2009- I was 188 pounds


Problem area noticeable-My Gut! (I've had 4 c sections)
                                                       
                                                 Summer of 2012-195.6 pounds


6 comments:

  1. You can do whatever you set your mind to Kelli! I have faith in you! You are a strong woman. <3

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    1. Thank you Alicia! That means a lot to me.

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  2. Kelli I know you are doing this for all the right reasons.. your feelings are normal of someone that has put raising children first. Also remember as you said 4 babies so quickly you worked your body.
    time and patience and beeing ready is key...
    I know I had to put myself on weekly meal plan to get off the roller coaster of sweets....
    Its an ongoing battle with me too...
    stay focused on yourself and be aware of your feelings....I think this is a great idea to bring self awareness too...
    feelings are key...I look forward to seeing you met these goals!

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  3. :-) Thanks so much for the support. I truly appreciate it

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  4. I have faith in you Kelli. Know that I am backing you and cheering you on all the way!

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    1. Thanks Christine! Much love to you all

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